Gift From Within PTSD Resources for Survivors and Caregivers

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"Support Pals Talk About Living With PTSD"

Bonnie | Dianne | FBK | Jan | Kati | Laci | Lisa | Patti | Rose |

Living With PTSD I have chronic or complex PTSD resulting from numerous traumas over a long period of time instead of one specific traumatic event. Dealing with this type of PTSD takes much time and effort, perhaps because there are so many events, memories, and episodes that have impacted my life from the time I was a young child. Many of my symptoms appear in the area of self-esteem, intimacy issues and safety issues because I was neglected and subjected to trauma so early in life. This was complicated by many years in an abusive marriage. Because I cannot remember a time when I felt safe, I am extremely aware of my surroundings, my eyes being like the searchlight of a lighthouse, seeking out any lurking dangers or traps that might harm. Being constantly on edge is very tiring, both physically and emotionally. Because roles were reversed in my family, and I had to be the adult to my emotionally immature parents, I have trouble trusting significant people in my life. I still put the needs of others before myself because I fear losing those I love. Being abused by the man who vowed to cherish me further complicated my trust issues. Because I was afraid when I was a child, and every day of my marriage, things are scary to me that most people do not understand. I go to unnecessary lengths to make my world feel safe. I struggle on a daily basis with thoughts and fantasies about bad things happening. Sometimes I grow quiet or cry for no apparent reason or suddenly feel afraid because something triggers a memory or a feeling that is very painful to me. Sometimes memories intrude upon my present reality and I lose track of where I am or what's happening at the time. Sometimes I feel sad or afraid and I may not know why. Since I was totally enmeshed in keeping my parents alive I never established my own identity, therefore I often feel I do not know who I am, and I am terribly afraid of being alone because, in a sense, I do not exist. My life was totally involved in keeping my parents alive and safe. Therefore, my emotions lead me around on a leash at times, making me feel I have no control over my life, that I am a victim. However I am not a victim, I am a survivor. I was a victim when I was a child and this happened, a victim during the years of domestic abuse when daily traumas occurred to my emotions, but now I am on the track to healing and I am a survivor, overcoming tremendous obstacles and finding the voice I lost when I was a child, and that was taken away from me by an angry and controlling spouse. PattiB

Living with PTSD A common sign for me, that occurs on a daily basis, is the anxiety that I cannot always control, understand or even find the cause for. Sometimes a smell, a sound or a picture can trigger memories from my childhood. Another symptom is continuous nightmares, that go back in time, of the terror I once felt. Intimacy, or any kind of closeness, can bring on these forms of anxiety, flashbacks, and night terrors. I feel having PTSD causes me to always be on guard against the world, even with people I think may feel safe. I am so afraid of being harmed that it is common for me to keep up my defenses. Sometimes this fear causes me to zone out, to detach from the reality of my surroundings in order to keep safe. I cannot think of much value in having PTSD, but I do know that it is possible to come to terms with it. It helps to be able to put a name to what is wrong, to be able to describe it. It also helps to find time for myself and reflect on the progress I have made over the years. I have learned that it is possible to live with PTSD. Understanding what was happening to me has made it easier to accept and live with. Rose

I have PTSD, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have had it since I was a young child, but was never properly diagnosed until a few years ago. I grew up being very depressed, isolated, and knowing that something was wrong. I have only fairly recently recovered memories of being abused and the details that accompany the memories. I have frequent flashbacks about the events, reliving them as if they are happening now, in the present with all the sensations, fear, and pain that I lived through. In addition I have a lot of nightmares, panic attacks, and a generalized fear of people, places, sounds and other things that somehow trigger the memories and these other symptoms. The triggers are not always related directly to specific traumatic events. I am trying to learn what my triggers are so that I can better deal with them. Feeling safe and trusting others are huge issues for me. The people who abused my body intruded into my personal space and have left me feeling that there are no safe boundaries that I can count on. Today I am working on the detailed memories, trying to remind myself that the abuse is not occuring in the present, though this is made difficult due to the intrusive flashbacks that I have yet to get a handle on or to be able to predict. I am working with a therapist, which is often helpful for people with PTSD, learning healthy coping resources and new skills to deal with the PTSD symptoms so I can better function in my everyday life. Lisa

I am continuing to recover from complex PTSD caused by childhood and adolescent trauma that included emotional deprivation and abuse, physical and sexual abuse, neglect, abandonment, unstable living conditions and other extreme circumstances. This left me with a profound sense of isolation , difference and loneliness that was exacerbated by severe social phobia and panic attacks, terrors and chronic very high levels of anxiety and fear. I have also had life-long, debilitating, immobilising depression. Under those conditions was a deep sense of badness and worthlessness. These symptoms are indications of disconnection from self, others and the spiritual . Slowly healing occurs as connections are formed and the self is affirmed. But it is a struggle and life is often difficult and painful. But within that pain and struggle there are seeds of light, love, beauty and empowerment and a love and appreciation for all creation. Dianne

I was diagnosed with PTSD about a little over four years ago after recovering memories of childhood sexual abuse, memories that I had completely suppressed for over forty years. For me, probably the worst symptom of this disorder involves an inability to form close, lasting relationships with other people; having had my trust totally shattered as a child, I find it very, very difficult to trust as an adult. I yearn for close friendships, but they somehow always seem to elude me. Another symptom I have is a hypervigilance--I am always on the alert for the possibility of danger and ready to protect myself from it. I am overly sensitive to noises and often wish that other people would give me some peace and quiet, even though they are really acting quite normally. My particular situation also involves a numbing of the emotions; when I was abused as a small child by my father, I was told not to cry--to stop acting like a baby. So now I find it very difficult to tune in to my own emotions, and I have a difficult time crying, even though that is probably a release that would be beneficial to me. Sometimes I think people perceive me as snobby and aloof when in fact I am just still plagued with the behaviors I once needed to survive a difficult childhood. Before I recovered my traumatic memories of childhood abuse (sexual/emotional/physical), I thought that there was something wrong with me as a person; now I understand that the way I am makes perfect sense considering my background. Now my goal is to leave behind some of the behaviors that I no longer need to survive and that get in the way of my finding happiness. Jan

Growing up I had never heard of PTSD nor did I know that I had it. Being a rather contented person at my core, I instinctively made self-adjustments to my PTSD symptoms. For example certain loud tones in a voice, sudden noises or constant noise bothered me. I was easily startled. Sound seemed amplified to me and I would have a 'flight' reaction to it. I reasoned that I was simply sensitive, or maybe it was noise pollution combined with the fact that crowded city life with it's numerous people was just not for me. At 19 I decided to move to a farm in the peaceful North Carolina Mountains to relieve some of the symptoms that I suffered. I knew two people in the area so I was not alone. Little did I realize that more was to come. Enjoying my somewhat isolated life from people yet filled with animals and nature, new symptoms did emerge with a sudden crash. For the first time I experienced flashbacks together with extreme flooding of emotions that were uncontrollable. Haunting memories consisting of fragments including surviving death, a strong desire to live, trying to get up but unable, losing the battle to unconsciousness, remembering my last dying thoughts, etc. What did all this mean and why? These types of returned memories from childhood landed me in the hospital for several weeks unable to get out of bed. The doctor explained to me that I had PTSD and they started treating me for it. I was taking medication and had therapy daily for six weeks. And then when I got out I saw a therapist who was associated with the hospital. I saw her for three years. That first year after the PTSD diagnosis I managed to work part-time but mostly felt disabled. Intense talk-therapy three times per week along with a medication plan educated me and equipped me with coping strategies in order for me to deal successfully with PTSD. The next two years were extremely wobbly: some steps forward, many steps backward. I finally felt that I had a safe measure of stability after three years of hard work. I then moved to Georgia and in time I realized that PTSD is a long term condition. It doesn't just "go away." The therapy that I have sought in this area has been rather disappointing. I haven't found a therapist who has expertise in PTSD but I still have a counselor/friend in another State that gives me ongoing support and guidance. GFW has been beneficial to me in that the support pals I've met have been supportive. Laci

One of the things that I consider "good" about PTSD is - it has helped me to remember/recover memories of the good times in my childhood and adult life that got buried with the bad things. The bad thing is trying to stay in the "here and now" when memories come up. The flashbacks and abreactions (reliving the moment) are really difficult to deal with. I found a fantastic therapist who also uses the technique called EMDR (EYE MOVEMENT DESENSITIZATION AND REPROCESSING) that helped me move through much of the hard to deal with reactions, feelings and emotions that are so abundant in PTSD patients. Kati

I have PTSD. It has been comforting reading about how others deal with the reality of living with PTSD, how it effects them on a daily basis. It is reassuring to know that I am not alone. It has been validating to know that I am not imagining the symptoms I have had for most of my life. Sometimes coping with fear on a daily basis caused me to feel "non-existent" but I know that others deal with the same feelings and symptoms. In therapy I am learning to go back and parent the little child inside of me, giving me a new beginning and a chance to re-learn how life should be. I am learning to keep the child in me safe. Sometimes I feel like I'm still that innocent child, and other times I remember what happened to me and how I survived a living death. Consequently I feel like I'm two different people sometimes. It often gets confusing, causing me to feel like I'm on a tailspin, as a space ship falling to earth out of control. Knowing that others feel the same way is encouraging to me because I know I am not alone and we will all make it together. Bonnie

Living With PTSD I had signed up for a conference months ago, and where was it held? The very damn place where I ate, was drugged, and then assaulted! I was so pleased with myself for getting there, not getting aroused, even walking part way on the path to where I was assaulted without becoming aroused or having flashbacks. Then, since I had to pee on the break, I went into the bathroom, which just preceded being drugged, and as I walked by the restaurant to the conference room, my body went nuts. How embarrassing. And, then what is the topic just after break? PTSD! And, some male attendee, who had been pontificating all morning, started in, said the only people who develop PTSD are those psychologically impaired before the trauma. Despite motor tremulousness, shaky voice, and my inherent shyness that always makes me keep my thoughts to myself in public settings, I got pissed, raised my hand, and spoke. I nailed his ass with research, facts, his confusion about the complexities of PTSD. The speaker then engaged, became interested, validated my views, and there ensued a discussion about EMDR. It strained my shyness to keep talking, but it was useful to those attending, and the pontificator shut up for a few hours. But, then, the hotel started a yearly testing of fire alarms. Every few minutes for 90 minutes, a loud screeching burst out. Each time, I startled, which increased my arousal but also caused back spasms. The good thing to observe was that while not everyone was startled, all were upset by the horrible intrusion. I am proud of myself, as I became a mess somatically as the arousal built and back pain increased. During the lunch break, I went to my office, returned a few client calls, then meditated and relaxed, and went back to the conference for four more hours despite wanting to come home and cocoon. It was an excellent desensitization/flooding experience. So, tomorrow, the anniversary day, not date, of my assault, I have asked my friend to go eat at the restaurant, walk down the path where I was assaulted. I think I am strong enough to approach it and hope it will further desensitize my body from remembering. I am a stubborn wench, you know. Well, thank you for listening. While I was partly a mess yesterday, I am pleased my old self came out, reasserted herself, and am in approach not avoidance mode. I am so fortunate to have the education and experience of knowing what the symptoms are and be able to "spectator myself" through them. Most who are traumatized react to the symptoms, because they don't understand what is happening to them. So, while in my past professional work with clients with PTSD, I educated them about "what was happening and why," gave cognitive reframing strategies, I am even more insightful now. It has been a gift from my assault to know from the inside what it is like. FBK

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